Hey DAMON ya got something to say?

Well do ya?

Scottish Police Chief Constable John Vine stunned the guests at a bar association dinner with a joke.

During the toast, towards the end of the evening, Mr Vine told a joke about al-Qaeda fathers comparing notes about the careers of their suicide-bomber sons.

Many in the audience at the event on March 24 were stunned when he delivered the punchline: "Kids blow up so quickly these days."

http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/172478.php

Tarzan and Jane have been together for a few months and Jane is getting horny.
One sultry night she asks,"Tarzan don't you get horny?".
Tarzan replies "What horny?"
Jane says,"well,do you ever want sex?"
Tarzan replies"Oh,yes,Tarzan use hole in tree trunk for sex.
Jane,sliding off her tattered clothing says"Wouldn't this be better?",as she lays spread eagle on the ground.
'Oh yes,much better,woof, argghh",replies Tarzan as he comes to full attention.
As Jane reaches up for him,Tarzan rears his leg back and kicks Jane square in her honey pot.
"What the hell did you do that for",Jane screams as she rolls in agony.
"Tarzan always check for bees,first!"

keep em coming..

man long time no see

Soldier is rowing his canoe down some third world stream singing "I wanna be a Recon Ranger..." BANG! Shot in the head and blows out half his brains. The Soldier slowly gets back up, grabs the oar, and continues to sing, "Anchors aweigh, my boys..." BANG! The second shot clears out all his brains. He gets back up, grabs the oar and continues to sing "From the Halls of Monteczuma...."

Three old ladies, Mabel, Maud and Doris were sitting on a bench in the park when a young man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. Well first Mabel had a stroke, then Maud had a stroke, but poor Doris was too feeble and couldn't reach so she missed out!!

How To Use A Drive Through Bank Machine:

MEN:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Roll down car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Roll up window.
7. Drive away.

WOMEN:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Put vehicle in reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake and roll down window.
4. Find handbag and remove contents onto passenger seat to locate bank card.
5. Tell person on cellphone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from driver's side window.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in chequebook and place receipt in back of it.
18. Recheck make-up
19. Drive forward one-half metre.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Remove card from machine.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate wallet and place card in slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on cellphone
26. Drive for two or three kilomtres
27. Release parking brake.

Waddya do when a Marine throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

See, told ya I'd throw a couple at the Marines (pun intended).

haha, lol, nice ones guys

I liked urs Rocketeer, about them ladieees

Saw this by Leno:

quote:

As you know, yesterday the U.A. military forces have killed terrorist al Zarqawi in an air strike. So we didn’t get the devil on 6-6-6, but we only missed by one day. That’s not bad.

Jokes from the opposite ends of the spectrum:

1] From Mensa:
A man walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder and says to the bartender, " A double whisky for me and ", pointing to the lizard, " a half-pint of ale for Tiny here. "
" Why do you call him Tiny?" asks the Barkeep.
" Obviously, " the man answers, " because he's my newt. "

2] A Redneck reply:
BillyjoeBob rushes into a bar and interrupts his pals at their drinks to tell them that his mother done had a miraculous experience. " She done bin hit by a train," says he. " She was out for four minutes. We all thought she was deed and gone, but she came to and told of an amazin' vision. She saw God! "
One of his pals pipes up, " Hell, BilljoeBob, your momma couldn't even see the damn train ! "

A third grade teacher gave her class a homework assignment. They were to go home and find a phrase to live by.
The next morning the teacher asked if everyone had completed the assignment. She said," Lucy what was your saying?" "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." "Very good",said the teacher. Then she asked Sam his saying. He said,"A penny saved is a penny earned". "That was excellent", said the teacher.
Then she asked Johnny. He said," Well, my Aunt Diane is in the Marines. She flies cargo to the soldiers." "On one trip. she was shot down." "she had to jump out of her plane, and all she had was an M-16, a machete, and a fifth of whiskey." "When she landed she drank the whole fifth of whiskey. Then the enemy attacked her. She shot the first ones with the M-16, but it ran out of bullets, so she hacked the rest of them to death with the machete. The teacher was stunned,"That was an awful story Johnny how could that be words to live by!" Calmly Johnny said," My dad says you shouldn't fu*k with Aunt Diane when she's drinking whiskey."

Two Scotsmen, Angus and Jock , are in the pub discussing Jock's upcoming wedding.
" Och, man it'll be grand, " says Jock . " Ah've alrready got things organized.- the flowers, the kirk, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.!"
Angus is impressed.
" sound like you really mean to gae through wi' it, Jock. "
Oh, aye.. even ordered up me kilt ta be married in. "
" A kilt?.. That's braw,, ye'll look right grand in that....and what's the Tartan?"
" Oh, " says Jock, " I suspect she'll be in white."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."