Tow-Pretty good I guess you could have posted it over in Active Duty Post also.

God said, "Adam, I
want you to do



something for me."




Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"




God said, "Go down into that valley."




Adam said, "What's a valley?"




God explained it to him.




Then God said, "Cross the river."




Adam said, "What's a river?"




God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."




Adam said, "What is a hill?"




So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.




He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."




Adam said, "What's a cave?"




After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."




Adam said, "What's a woman?"




So God explained that to him, too.




Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."




Adam said, "How do I do that?"




God first said (under his breath), "Geez ."




And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.




So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.




Then, in about five minutes, he was back.




God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"




And Adam said




*




*




*




*







"What's a headache?!

You should have second thoughts about the quality of your medical care when:

1] Halfway through the exam, the doctor shows you a cut on his hand and asks you if it looks infected.

2] He keeps referring to your gastric ulcer as a ' rumbling in your tum-tum '.

3] As he stands behind you to check your prostate he shouts out proudly " look ma! no hands! "

4] After putting a thermometer in your mouth he says " wait, how does that one taste? Sometimes I forget which one goes where. "

5] When you look closely at his medical licence it says " For Novelty Purposes Onl;y " and its signed by Tony the Tiger.

6] He asks you to pee in a cup, takes a swig and says yuou have gout.

7] In the middle of your physical he turns off the waiting room Muzak and sticks on a CD of Private Dancer.

8] When he opens the jar of tongue depressors, he flies into a rage and accuses you of eating all the popsicles.

9] He asks you to stop describing your symptoms as its making him feel queasy.

10] He says that he's found that there's nothing that can't be cured with a little love, patience and perserverence..oh, and black magic.." We shouldn't forget Satan, the greatest doctor of all"..then he asks for a lock of your hair " for the files "

11] He keeps pushing ' anal probes ' as a cure-all.

12] You want to talk about those itchy bumps he wants to talk about Desperate Housewives.

13] He's very concerned about that nasty growth, he pokes it and prods it and says he's never seen anything like it.....its your penis.

14] There's a jar labelled ' leeches 'on his deak and its empty - almost.

15] He keeps saying ' that's a real stumper ' when you tell him what's wrong.

16] He tells you the tests show a serious problem with your left liver.

17] When you're naked he asks you to ' turn your head and cough. Now turn your head to the webcam and cough. and would it kill you to look like you're enjoying this?'

18] Looking at your X-rays he tells you he has good news and bad news. The good news is, that if you squint, all your tumours look like his favourite cartoon characters,,when you start to cry he asks.." Why are you crying , I haven't told you the bad news yet?"

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by
another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears
that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment
income. How do you explain that?"
Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by
the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this
guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win!
But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty
thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

To err is human, to forgive devine... neither one is Marine Corps policy.

Some days its not even worth chewing through the restraints.

Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho bitch the rest of your life.

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he say's "do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids"
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "no, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

Took the grandson, who just turned five yesterday, with me as I walked the dog. He seemed quite intrigued that the pooch stopped at nearly every lampost, hydrant, bush and rock to whiz. Kid asked why the dog just didn't go all at once like folks..I told him that dogs, being from pack animals, still had the old instincts and they leave a message when they piss so that other dogs and animals know who they are, etc. Sort of a warning, too.. like this is my territory, I walk here every day, so watch out.

Kid thinks a bit then looks at me and grins..
Grandpa, the dog's sending a Pee-mail!!!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'd rather their clients be kept in the dark



What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?

Lawyers have removable wingtips.



What's the definition of a lawyer?

A mouth with a life support system.

Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
A. Platoon

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Q. How are lawyers like sperm?

A. One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He said he hadn't.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'."

I hope so. It's obvious oil men can't do it.

Wonder what the yield of a conex full of biological agent is from the top of a shipyard gantry crane?

Bet it's body count is more than 4 jet liners and 3 buildings.

NOTICE-NO JOKE ALERT-(at least no funny jokes)

coachman drew rein to ponder:

quote:

Wonder what the yield of a conex full of biological agent is from the top of a shipyard gantry crane?

Wx briefs...

Concentration/exposure is a function of:
-How close the receptor,
(longshoremen, canaries, etc.)
is to the centerline of the pollutant plume
(plume rise)


carnries



-How long the receptor is in the plume.



(Plume)

(GROUND ZERO NUCLEAR DETONATION PLUME)

Dispersion/Diffusion:
-Terms used interchangably: Both refer to atmospheric, turbulent processes
-Assumed to be random (i.e., follow a Monte Carlo path or 'drunkards walk')
-Atmospheric dispersion -The atmosphere is not randomly diffusuve.
-Over time, distribution creats a normal distribution (bell curve)
-Diffusion always acts to dilute-it cannot re-concentrate a pollutant.
Flow of air:
-More air means more dilution.
Atmospheric turbulence:
-Mechanical turbulence
-Shear turbulence
-Bouyancy turbulance
Stability
-The degree to which the atmosphere will support, tolerate, or supress turbulent motions
Friction velocity-Commonly used to predict wind profiles in the boundary layer
Plume rise, Temperature, and wind
-Effects of ejection velocity are quickly diluted
-When the plume is warmer than the environment,
the plume will continue to rise
-Light winds allow the plume to stay more intact as it rises
-Strong winds bend the plume over and quickly
mix the plume with surrounding ambient air
Plume Rise and wind
-Spills from pressurized containers-May have an ejection velocity (but may not be pointing up)
-Fires -No ejection velocity, but very buoyant
-Dense gases-No plume rise
-behaves like a liquid (splashes, can be contained by berms)
-Moves downhill, regardless of wind
Gaussian Plume Equation (not derived here...it's too early for math)
Point is:
H = source height + plume rise
-At Z = 0 (at the surface), the concentration will double as H approaches 0.
Assumptions:
-More stable means more concentrated
-Less stable means less concentrated
-Concentration is inversely proportional to wind speed
When are some assumptions not true?
-At long distances
-For receptors under an elevated plume, concentration depends on where one is in relation to plume centerline (both horizontally and vertically)
Dispersion in Urban Areas:
-Turbulance is enhanced by urban surface roughness
-Buildings can mix a low-lever (but still elevated) plume back to the surface through lee effects
-Wind directions are more often variable
-Urban heat island at night can easily change stability
Complicating Factors-Particulate Plumes
-Can result from fires, explosions, volcanic eruptions, high winds, dropped conex containers of certain biological agents
-Settling velocities will stratify plumes by particle size
Example:
Plume height = 100 m, wind speed = 4 m/s
50% of 20um particles will settle out in roughly 8km
Particulate plumes easily scavenged by precipitation (or a good doseing with water cannons)
Things to think about when an incident happens:
-How high is the plume, is it bouyant, is it a dense gas, is it being ejected, and what is the stability?
-How does current stability affect the plume's behavior?
-How do you expect the stability to change over the course of the event?
-Will plume material be able to mix to the ground where receptors (people) will be exposed?
-How are the wind speed and direction affecting the plume? How will this change during the event?
-How will terrain and/or other surface features affect plume behavior?

Conex containers:



a large inventory of both new and used ISO Shipping Containers (conex containers, milvans, cargo containers) and Refrigerated containers throughout the world. These containers can be modified per customer requirements.

SPECIFICATIONS:

20' Dry Freight
Length Height Width Height
Interior Exterior Interior Exterior Interior Exterior Interior Exterior
19' 3.813" 19' 10.5" 7' 9.875" 8' 6" 7' 8" 8' 7' 8" 7' 5.625"
Tare Weight Payload Gross Weight Cubic Capacity
3,450 lbs. 49,460 lbs. 52,910 lbs. 1,158 cubic ft.

40' Dry Freight
Length Height Width Height
Interior Exterior Interior Exterior Interior Exterior Interior Exterior
39' 5.5" 40' 7' 9.875" 8' 6" 7' 8" 8' 7' 8" 7' 5.625"
Tare Weight Payload Gross Weight Cubic Capacity
5,000 lbs. 62,200 lbs. 67,200 lbs. 2,365 cubic
ft.

so a big'in (40 foot'er) could possibly contain 2,356 cubic ft. or 67,200 lbs. of 'agent'

Agents:

hazmats:
Example 'ANTHRAX' effects on skin:




reference:

http://health.utah.gov/lab/microbiology/safeinfectious.ppt

http://www.indyhazmat.com/hazmat/Training/Definitions/index.asp

do the checklist @

http://www.orau.gov/emi/events/2003%20Meeting/Viewgraph...%20rev%20crit-HA.pdf

SOoooo...

the answer to coachman's yield pondering is 'depends' :

http://www.depend.com/



could be a volumous yield!!!



(my mutherf ! kin diaper's full !)

http://www.depend.com/products/result.asp

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Weatherman1956,

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed , beaten and raped your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Damon,

ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN? 1. What did your ancestors do for a living? a) They were farmers. b) Craftsmen who made a living with their hands. c) Robbers, rapists, pickpockets, horse-thieves and generally a right lawless shower of ba*tards.
3. A member of the British Royal Family is visiting your country and you are the Prime Minister. How do you behave to show them how respectful you are? a) With all the proper dignity that she deserves in her position as Head of the Commonwealth. b) With respect, but without being too sycophantic about it. You can show respect in lots of different ways. c) Slap her on the back at the airport and go: "Har ya doin', Sheila? G'day, mate. Dinkum, sport." Fart, burp, scratch your fu**ing arse and behave like a complete twat all through her visit because you couldn't give a f**k. Who the f**k is she anyway?
6. You go to the toilet and sit down. What happens next? a) Well, what would you expect? b) That's a bit of a personal question. c) You get bitten on the arse by a spider three-foot long, your balls drop off, your arse turns green and you die within ten seconds.
8. What do you watch on television in an average day? a) Varied and of high quality - drama, comedy, documentaries, news. b) Pretty basic stuff but a decent and varied mix. c) Skippy, Neighbours, Home & Away, Skippy, Bluey, Skippy again, Prisoner Cell Block fu**ing H, Skippy a-fu**ing-gain, Neighbours, Home & bas*ard Away, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and fu**ing Skippy.
11. You are a famous rock star married to a beautiful wife and with millions of dollars to your name. You are at a loose end one day. What do you do to occupy yourself? a) Relax with a few tinnies of Fosters, chilling because you rarely get much time to yourself. b) Play a little music or watch some TV. c) Take loads of drugs and get pissed as a fart, then accidentally strangle yourself by hanging your sorry arse from a door with a leather belt. While having a wank. You dirty fu**ing pervy c**t
14. Why are there so many flies where you live? a) Because the weather is so hot. b) You don't know. You've never really noticed. c) Because you fu**ing smell, you sweaty bas*ard. You even let the dirty disease-spreading fu**ers fly into your mouth and do nothing about it. I've seen you on telly, you filthy shower of cu**s
18. What animal is the symbol of your country? a) A bald eagle - majestic and towering, powerful and commanding respect. b) A bulldog - tenacious, fearless, strong and solid. c) Some fu**ing rat with a beak, flippers, a face like a mole and that swims underwater. And lays eggs! I mean, for f**k's sake! What the cun*ing hell is that supposed to be? Fu**ing freak.
19. You have emigrated to a foreign country and it isn't really to your liking. What do you do? a) Nothing. There's nothing you can do apart from make the best of the situation and hope that it will grow on you. b) Try to move back to your own country whilst making the effort to get along with the place. c) F**king moan and bastard whinge about how shit it is compared to where you come from, even though they booted your arse out of there and wouldn't have you back for f**k all. The weather's crap and the beer's warm, and there's Pakis every-f**king-where, not like in your country. F**k this. You wouldn't stop here if you didn't have to. You can't go for five minutes without spouting off to some c**t about how much you hate the place and how great your country is. Yet you have the fu**ing nerve to call us "whingeing poms". You cheeky ****ing upside down c**t. Go on. F**k off.
20. Describe the way you talk, your accent and so forth. a) Very clear and precise. You'd say you were able to communicate pretty easily. b) With a hint of accent though not much. You are pretty good at communicating. c) Like a deaf cockney with cerebral palsy who's drunk twenty pints of Carlsberg Special and a bottle of meths. You incoherent, slavering slobbering twat. Imagine Stephen Hawking powered down and crossed with Bob Hoskins...well, that's what you sound like. How the Brits ever mutated into you shower of braindead, imbecilic c**ts is beyond me. We should have sent you to the f**king Antarctic instead. F**kers.
23. You have an Aborigine visiting your home. How do you make the right impression on him? a) Make him feel at home just as you would any visitor to your house. b) Make an extra special effort to make him feel welcome because you feel for the plight of their people. c) Crack a few tinnies but make sure the c**t drinks out of an old boot because you don't want him spreading germs. Make him some sandwiches full of maggots and grubs because that's what the filthy f**kers eat, and hire a copy of 'Romper Stomper' which you watch with him farting and saying things like: "No offence, mate, but we were here first. That's what you'll get as well if you ever get out of line."
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Australian.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, sport. You're a fully-fledged Aussie twat. With
your piss lager, your shite TV programmes and your hanging rock stars
and transvestite superstar house wives, you are a credit to the world in
the 21st century. F**k the fact that you treat the Aboes like filthy
vermin wog scum - that doesn't matter. It's God's country where you
live. As long as you win a cricket match now and again - and do so by
cheating more often than not - you couldn't give a flying squirrel's
chuff. F**k the world's problems, we're having a barbie on the beach.
F**king twats.
God i feel better now!