Coach: Man RAFLMAO, lost the beverage on that one. Classic!!

"Gee, Charlie... sorry to hear about your mum's death.."
" yeah.. but at least she died doing something she loved - committing suicide.."

Three men are sitting next to each other on a long flight. the first leans over and introduces himself: General, United States Army, married, two sons, both surgeons.
The second stares at him a moment and replies: General, United States Air Force, married two sons, both judges.
The third man in the middle smiles and says: Retired Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, never married, two sons, both generals.

Ten things to say when you're caught sleeping at your desk:
10 - They told me at the blood bank yhis might happen.
9 - This is just a power nap like they raved about in the time management course you sent me on.
8 - Whew! I guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time.
7- I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on the mission statement envisioning a new paradigm.
6- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
5 - I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stree.
4 - Damn! why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out the solution to our biggest problem.
3 -the coffee machine is broken.
2 - Someon must have put decaf in the wrong pot
and the No. 1 thing to say...
....and in His name, Amen.

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Where Osama orders his kit...

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/commercials/AK47_For_Sale/

perfect...

Makeover Time:

Its not easy living with a boyfriend of indeterminate sexuality for 43 years, but it didn't mean Barbie wanted to split with Ken...

When Mattel dumped Ken from its lineup two years ago, it was rumoured that, in desperation, Barbie shacked up with Bob the builder. but things got worse when a new doll showed in the hood, the inappropriately dressed skanky Bratz, and stole Ken away...

But, all is well again. In the face of flat sales and in an effort to revive Brabie's fortunes at the toystore, Ken is back.. he's been buffed up, new hairstyle, a breezy surfer dude image goin on.. just in time to kick Blaine out of the running for Barbie's affections [ I always thought he was just into it to steal Barbie's clothes for himself ]

Anyway, Ken seems happy with the makeover and the new ' partnership ' with Barbie, except that after all these years I'm sure he wouldn't have said no to some genitals...

I believe it was Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live who pulled down the pants on a Michael Jackson doll and said "hey, look, it's anatomically correct." (the "region" was as flat as Ken's)

Napoleon's Spring Break Memories:

1] The year he learnt that, even if vehicular manslaughter happens in Vegas, it doesn't stay in Vegas
2] Winning the Man Boobs Wet T-Shirt Competition [ and his friends said he had no chance! ]
3] Taking that " Specialty Cruise " and finding out that ' geriatric ' doesn't mean really flexible.
4] Doing two dozen Jell-O shots before realizing he was supposed to put booze in them [ and probably he shouldn't have used Jell-O pudding ]
5] When he walked around with floral necklaces asking every girl he met if they wanted to get " lei'd " maybe he should have done it in Hawaii and not Duluth.
6] Depend Undergarments $ 28.95, Oversized Jeans $ 58.99 The look on the girl's face when he revealed his secret to all-night, non-stop partying - Priceless
7] The time he snuck into the background of that one shot on MTV Spring Break, then taped it when he saw it on TV, then filmed himself watching the tape, then posted it on his blog - good times
8] Running into the surf to play Taunt the Shark with Chris, Ravi and Lefty - back when Lefty was just called Jeff
9] The year in New Orleans when it took 3 days for the guys to convince him that you only hand out those stupid plastic beads to women [ still, it gave him a chance to check out the comptetition for the Man Boobs contest ]
10 ]The time his boss OD'd and he discovered the hard way that ' Weekend at Bernie's ' wasn't a documentary. seriously.. once he put his boss's body on waterskis, everyone knew he was dead.
11] Remembering that when he walked in, " bikini wax " sounded like a polish for his speedos.. the rest is darkness and screaming .
12] Remembers he had a pretty good time at the Amish " Leave Your Zippers At Home!" week at Lancaster, Pennsylvania - who knew shouting ' show us your beards! ' could yield so much action?
13 ]That night he befriended those really hot Swedish air hostesses, got drunk, undressed and then realized he had little in common , besides the language barrier prevented him from really understanding them and, anyway they had an early flight the next day. Thank God he realized all that before he made some dirty, wonderful mistake he would have treasured forever.
14] The good times with Zack, counting cards at blackjack at the casino until the pit boss split Zack's kneecap with a Louisville Slugger while he ran out the back door and collapsed into an ally crying like a baby - still, up until then... awesome.
15] Doing body shots off Dom Deluise [ okay, so it turned out it wasn't Dom Deluise but a fat transvestite hooker, but the resemblance in that light was uncanny ]
16] Who said spending six nights in Cancun with his mother would cramp his style? Six nights of playing " Boggle" by the beach really taught him how to spell P A R T Y [ literally ]
17] Confusing Fort Knox with Fort Lauderdale. Fine..now he knows that Marines don't like party crashers who show up in a male thong, high on ecstasy with a trunk full of firecrackers..he won't make that mistake again and the proctologist says the wounds will heal ---in time
18] Late night drunk diving off the cliffs with Chad and Barry and Fred, pressure suits are for pussies! though Chad's face did look a bit funny afterwards...
19] And let's raise a glass to all those crazy exploits that he can't quite recall, because of, you know, all the totally awesome spring break partying, which means there's lots of great memories he won't have to remember and can't quite -- wait..what was I saying?
20] Can't wait for next year! That nice man in the snappy uniform said he could have spring break in Fallujah! Wahoo!..

Bar Trivia:

Unless you're drinking in a place near a Geek University this should garner you at least one round..

ask someone how many States are there in the Union..

answer 46 [ not 50 ] - Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Massachusetts are not 'states' but Commonwealths...

A man takes his wife to the doctor. After a brief examination, the doctor returns to the husband, sighs, and says "Sir, I don't like the looks of your wife..."

The man replies, "I know, neither do I, but she can cook and is great with the kids."

A Marine Corps First Sergeant and an Army First Sergeant are in the trenches, in a heavy firefight. The Marine Corps First Sergeant asks the Army First Sergeant, "You wanna see balls? Watch this."
"Marine! Take that machine gun nest!", he barks.
A Marine promptly leaps from the trench, charges the machine gun, and is cut down immediately.
The Army First Sergeant says, "No no no, I'll show you balls! Private! Post!"
A young private crawls over, "Yes, Top?"
"Take that machine gun nest!" he orders.
To which the Private replies, "F*ck you, First Sergeant!"
Now thats balls!

How true to the Army that is! Thanks CavScout

I am finally a happy man with a new wife.

I was married 3 times before but all 3 of my wives died very mysteriously. See, the 1st one died of mushroom posioning and the 2nd one died of mushroom posioning as well. But the 3rd wife died of a fractured skoll. Some reason, she would not eat the mushrooms.

Woop Woop

All the hooplah over multi-Oscar nominated " Gay Cowboy " remake flick, Brokeback Mountain, made me go digging in my DVD collection for the original..

Anyone still have " Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid " ? FFS, the names alone were a giveaway and then one grows up to start a " film Festival " and the other makes Salad Dressing...

d'oh!

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."