A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me.." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him,
he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,” Well God is both male and
female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly
asks... "Is God Michael Jackson?"


The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die." On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP. He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"


What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?

The white house's pool table



There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.



A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts."
"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."


What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.


Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright, was only a little boy when, on the front at Brighton, he was
confronted by the sight of two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest, and said, "What are they
doing, Uncle Noel?" "The one in front is blind." said Coward unperturbed, "and the one
behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to St. Dunstan's."


A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."


Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."


A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment,
and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."


A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off. One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last. The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to
see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been
a long time for me too." The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"


There's a teacher in a small Massachusetts town. She asks her class how many of them are Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy -
Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Kerry fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Kerry fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George W. Bush fan." The teacher asks why he's a Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Bush fan, and my Dad's a Bush fan,
so I'm a Bush fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Massachusetts, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Kerry fan."



Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"


Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
AND
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.


Ok there is my make up post for being gone for awhile.

ah my beloved topic..

True story(not really), I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

LOoooOL!!!!!!!!!!

THAT WAS SOME JOKE WOOZY!

keep it up!!

A friend sent this one to me:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

LoLz, plain hilarious!!

Not bad Harry sounds like some of the guys I worked with.

Did you hear about the new "Hillary" Special Value meal at KFC?

It comes with two large thighs, two small breasts, and a left wing!

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?

Adjusting the Computer for Adult content:

http://www.punkasspunk.com/404.html

American Soldier, British Manners.

An American GI, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was right next to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Quotes from Gov. Arnold of Califoria:

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention

"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed by gay marriage

"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"

"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."

"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"

"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views

"Don't worry about that." -on the environment

"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."

"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire

"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."

"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."

"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."

"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out

"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News

Are You a Redneck Jedi?

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke Shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."



Cold Hands
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,” ‘Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see Her that the baby is black."

Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no moneyand nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."