coachman I love the little flicks that you post. they are funny as all hell. where do you find them?

What does a man born with no arms or legs or torso (he has just a head) usually say on his birthday?

Another Hat?!

I find them here and there or a friend sends to me. If you want to copy them feel free partner.

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM.

SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?".

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS...

"MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.

However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked

Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while...better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used... call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.

3 Old Guys
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at
6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up unt! il 7:00.

Thank you for calling the US Army. We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsory Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray flannel bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis. If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified. If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!

Q. How do you kill a Marine?
A. You throw sand at a brick wall and tell him to hit the beach.

A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother. Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word. The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING
HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING.

"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING
THAT?" THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM SORRY, BUT
THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH
SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT THREE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND
HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."

"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.


IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING
ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY
GOD! HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE JUSTIFIED?"


THE DOCTOR REPLIED ... "SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under
the arm.
Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open
the door and
begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself so they
march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that
there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really
beginning to pileup.
At the end of the line stands Lena ! surrounded by
mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric
and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in
amazement as she cuts a
little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and
begins
to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and
approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely
able to keep a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave
you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a

beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful

wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hmmmmm, I don't know . . . well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig"

The husband begins to tell his story . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great
compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I
made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very
dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes
so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair
of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave
you on our anniversary and you don't wear because you said I don't have good
taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will
not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you
bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw
your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her
eyes, she asked me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

Taliban online dating service:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2002/taliban_10-p1.php

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How did you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift ... "
" ... So, how did you break your arm?"


Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A. A family reunion.

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: wave at him.

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure your friend is really dead." There is a brief silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. "Ok, Now What?"


One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car; an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend." The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob
pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,” I’m screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the
beaming boy to the his dad. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"


What are Cat’s?

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Q. What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men?
A. Their ankles.


Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.


Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"



There you guys go awhole bunch of them. Hope this starts a new page!! Enjoy

HOW TRUE IT IS!!!

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past."

We used to go to friends homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too darn old!!