New Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
_____a Beer
_____a Martini
_____a Margarita
_____a Scotch and soda
_____a Bloody Mary
_____a Rum and Coke
_____a Vodka and Tonic
_____a glass of Merlot
_____a Steak
_____Lobster or crab legs
_____The remote control
_____a cigarette
_____Chocolate
_____Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: _________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!