I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll

be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Here's a good one I saw in Maxim magazine. I might use it one day when I'm calling in sick to work:

A guy calls his boss at work to tell him he won't be coming in today because he is sick.

The boss asks: "What is the nature of your illness?"

The guy responds: "I have anal glaucoma."

The boss: "Never heard of it."

The guy: "Yeah, anal glaucoma. I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: TOW Gunner,

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she
is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it
by painting the house.

Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and it said..........

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!!"

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich..!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

5. Some people are like Slinkies..., not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you ..30 cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..!

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

weatherman1956 Do you think he (father) knows something we don't? LOL

Then there's the blonde that dialed 411 to get the # for 911....

Another promising congressman





The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.



So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.



Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?



"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."



"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.



"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident,leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, had no idea"



And the lawyer says, "So...................





if I don't give money to them, what makes you think I would ever give any to you!"

"The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers."
Said by someone else........

Do you really know when spring starts?




/It starts when the girls start showing their belly buttons

Spring is here!
I wonder if her belly button is pierced?Hard to see with the moo-moo- and flab.....

This is for all you Beer Drinkers

How to tell if your new relationship may be heading for the rocks..

When the new date says:

1] So this is a bathroom? What's it used for?
2] I didn't say I was a parole officer, I said I saw one on a regular basis
3]Your address? Oh, don't worry, I already know where you live.
4] My ex has a restraining order against me. apparently I am too committed, can you believe that?
5] Brushing teeth is against my religion
6] Of course I know what you mean, dear, after all I was a man once, too
7] If you'd like to see more of me, check out my website.
8]You like cats, too? I have some wonderful recipes, we could share!
9] Does this look infected to you?
10] And don't forget, if you call me at work, ask for Naughty Nina or they won't know who you mean.
11] Well, I work for the post office and my neighbours describe me as a bit of a loner
12] Please put these gloves on. I borrowed the car and I don't want to get any fingerprints on it.
13] oh, Carl - I mean, Peter, you're the only one!
14] Isn't that a coincidence? My father has the same name as yours.
15] Almost all my personalities are happy to meet you
16] Pardon?.. Oh, sorry, I thought you said something, but it was just the voices in my head.
17] Oh, no.. you got lipstick on my collar. Mom will have a fit when she does my laundry.
18] You're a lawer? fantastic.. My Ex is suing me for child support
19] Oh, my dad grabs you like that because he likes you
20] I really liked that way you handled yourself with my friends, almost like you were their equal..

More reasons to worry about your relationship:

when your date/partner says -

1] Boy, does Satan worship get a bum rap.
2] I'm sure if you took off your heels you could carry all three of your suitcases yourself.
3] Here's my telephone number 1-900....
4] You don't mind if I cover all the mirrors do you?... they're portals to Hell...
5] Wow, one more after you and I'll beat Wilt Chamberlain's record!
6] Mmmmm, you smell just like Grandma...
7] honey, I'd like you to meet the producer of The Swan
8] My mother would love you, adore you.. you could be real friends, here let me bring her from the car to meet you..
9] How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.. In a mask, In leather, Leashed, Tied Down...
10] Don't worry about all the hair and teeth, they go away in the morning...
11] Remember sweetie, when you meet my parents, just sit quietly in the back and don't make any sudden moves.
12] Your roommate is very attractive.. does she have a boyfriend?
13] Well, since you asked. yes, I am carrying a gun in my pocket.
14] If I wake up in the middle of the night.. just pretend you're asleep and you'll be allright.
15] If we run into my wife, just pretend you're the new cleaning lady.. Can you do foreign accents?
16] I didn't say my marriage failed because of in-law troubles, I said it failed because i was in trouble with the law.
17] Its just a short pre-nup agreement, just to portect my collection of brains in formaldehyde.
18] Let's celebrate!.. the restraining order expired!
19] When we meet my folks.. try not to mention ' human rights '
20] I can't wait to get away. When we check into the hotel, let's try to get rooms on the same floor.
21] All my boyfriends say I'm real easy to get to know.
22] I hope you'll still like me after my ' special' operation.
23] Sorry, the freezer can't be opened.. My wife took the key when she -a ' disappeared.
24] You'll like my brother.. we share EVERYTHING!
25] Never mind my number, its easier to reach me through my pimp, Smashdaddy
26] Yeah, its a bit hot in here..that's because I got stuff growing all over the place, but we can watch TV in that room.
27] Ooh, I couldn't possibly live anywhere too far from Mumsy and Daddykins
28] Where are we going for dinner? oh, I'm lovin' it.
29] Sorry I took so long to get to the door I was just watching some films of my ex-wife
30] Oh, those guys in my limo?.. oh, they're not my bodyguards...

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this
would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied
for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown
that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment
of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon
Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician
could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no
payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...




MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills!!!!!