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REASONS WHY MOST MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

#11 - A Gun gets to the point

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#09 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#08 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#07 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#06 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#05 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE

#04 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#03 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#02 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT. AND,

THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS FAVORED OVER A WOMAN...

#01 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

But I only "yo mama" jokes, . . I'm afraid I'm suffering from joke-envy.

yo momma so fat even the bath tub got stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat, she drives a spandex car!

yo momma so fat,when the cops see her on the corner they yell"OK you guys,break it up!"

Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.

Yo momma so bald,I can see what she's thinking!

New Dead Sea Scroll translated!!

Turns out to be autopsy report on death of Goliath.. proves he was felled by second stone fired from behind on a grassy knoll...

Capatain Ahab was indicted in a " whaleoil for seafood" scandal...

Jack's bean confiscated as unlicenced genetically modified food...

Three little kittens charged with insurance fraud over false report of lost mittens...

Tortoise stripped of medal when drug test proved positive for steroids..

the Wedding Guest angry at missing the nuputals reports the Ancient Mariner to PETA who charge him with the death of the Albatross..

King Midas freed on molestation charges when victims failed to speak out at trial.. Accusation that they were silenced of bought off after being seen covered in gold...

Some funny stuff here.

When things get too overwhelming,just remember this line from Curly of the 3 Stooges.....
I ain't just anybody,I'm a moron!!

So the old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a big purse and says she wants to talk to the president of the bank. Tellers insist they can help her but she is persistent and says she wants to deposit a large amount of money and she will only deal with the president.

Naturally, she is ushered into the president's office. "I have a very large sum of money I want to deposit but I want assurances from you that my money will be safe".

"I assure you," said the president, "that you will not have to worry about your money. We are very fastideous and your money will be most secure with us. How much do you wish to deposit?"

"$750,000 dollars to start. I'll have more later," the old lady answered.

The president was impressed. "If you don't mind me asking ma'am, said the president, how did you accumulate such a large sum of money?"

"By betting," said the old lady. I'm very good at making bets. Some think I'm very old and silly but I know how to make good bets."

"What do you prefer betting on?" asked the president?"

"Anything and everything," replied the old woman. "For instance, I've got $20,000 that says you have square balls".

The president was taken aback. "Certainly not, madam. You're rather cheeky aren't you?"

"No, I'm qite certain. Will you take the bet or not."

The president thought it a strange bet but he could not turn down such easy money. He knew he didn't have square balls. "Madam," he said, "I certainly do not have square balls. But I will accept the bet although I must warn you that I think it quite a foolish bet."

"Fine," said the old woman. "I have the $750,000 here in my purse. I'll deposit it now with you. I have lucky betting days but this is Wednesday and I never bet on Wednesday but tomorrow will do nicely, so tomorrow we will actually make the bet. However, I wish to bring my lawyer as a witness. Will that be alright?"

"Sure," said the bank president. "You and your lawyer wiil be in my office by 1:00 at which time we will make the bet unless you have second thoughts."

"I assure you we will be there," said the woman and with that she walked out the door.

The next day the president waited eagerly for 1:00 to see of the woman would show. Precisely at 1:00, his secretary ushered the old woman and her lawyer into his office. The woman wasted no time. "Good after noon sir," she said to the president. " Please pull down your pants and let's get started." The president unbuckeled his pants. He couldn't help but notice with some amusement, that the lawyer was turning pale. With a flourish he dropped his trousers and whipped out the objects in queston.

"Oh my," the old lady said, they certainly don't look square but you can't tell by looking. I'll have to feel them or I won't consider it fair."

"Certainly," the president said. The woman cupped his balls in her hand. The lawyer immediately started beating his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" asked the president.

"Oh, he's just a little upset. I bet him $100,000 that before the day was out, I'd be holding the President of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

Holy crap.that's funny!
BWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Wipe tears away..

Yo momma so fat every time she turn around,it's her birthday!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: nvr-btdt,

A drunk goes into a hotel to sleep it off.He goes to the reception desk,takes care of the formalities,and heads up to his suite.Several minutes later the drunk staggers back to the reception desk demanding a room change.
"But sir" says the clerk,"you have the best suite in the hotel." "I demand another room",slurs the drunk."Fine sir,I will put you in room 402,but I've got to tell you it's not as nice as your other room.Can you tell me what's wrong with that room?"
"Well," says the drunk,"for one thing, it's on fire!"

The professor was a fine lecturer, but he enjoyed throwing in an occasional off-color joke to entertain the students. The boys got a kick out of it, but the girls in the class were often embarrassed. Finally, the girls got together and went to the Dean to complain. The Dean was very sympathetic, but he explained that there was nothing he could do.

The professor had been there for years and couldn't be dismissed; but the Dean promised to talk to him, though he didn't really think it would do much good. Meanwhile, about all he could suggest was that the next time the professor started to tell an off-color joke, the girls should just walk out of the classroom.

A couple of weeks went by, during which there were no embarrassing jokes - but, finally, one day the professor started in, "According to the latest reports, the U.S. Government has chartered a ship and they're going to collect all the prostitutes and ship them to Russia."

The girls looked at each other, and as one, they rose and started to leave the room. The professor continued, "Oh, there's no hurry, girls. The ship doesn't leave until next month."

An airline's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to put away your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b##ch."