Two leprechauns have a bet.

To settle their bet, they take it to a convent.

Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a leprechaun!"

The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"

"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world that are my size?"

"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"

"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you ****ed a penguin!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to escape possible conflict with him.


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem ticked at all. Whew! Got away with that one!


Then he said: "We need a new cuckoo clock"


When I asked why, he said,


"Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit", cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed three more times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


BUSTED! LMAO!

Amy, this would be more funny if it weren't so accurate!

quote:

---

Fair and Unbalanced Reporting

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped
a board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of
Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you
were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."
"What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again.
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

---

Subject: Marine Humor...
News Anchor Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Peter Jennings said "I am Canadian; so I'd like to hear the English National Anthem one last time". The leader nodded to a terrorist who studied in the United States and knew the music was the same as to 'God Bless America'. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the music. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully. Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the butt," said the Marine." "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed! the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?" "What??" said the Marine, "And have you three assholes call ME the aggressor??!!"


.............................................

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you.

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
























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A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
- Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Message removed by TOW Gunner. Personal, vindictive attacks not allowed in forums.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: TOW Gunner,

Message removed by TOW Gunner. Personal, vindictive attacks not allowed in forums.

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Oh really? Amfat you lying alcoholic sack of shit... shut in my ass. You miserable ass piece of shit, you try to fool everyone with your wretched scripted out sob stories.

WE'RE ON TO YOU! We have your court records, we have your own words from other sites that contradict everyrthing you say, we have your name, we have your ass!

Keep digging that hole, you'll loose sight of the sun soon enough if you haven't already.

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

local business was looking for office help.



They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the
least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so
he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and
stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly
type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and ! trotted over
to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm
sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a
computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample
spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that
you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but
you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his
paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says.
But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

A few blond jokes:


Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her indicator was on.

Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits.

Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.

"Alky" cat