Political Correctness

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

** HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT**

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL

**RELATIONSHIPS**

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED



Fair and Unbalanced Reporting

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped
a board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of
Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you
were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."
"What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again.
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


John Kerry's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Looking around, the man asked, "Where's John Kerry's clock?"
"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office; He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Some are just slips of the tongue
• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• House passes gas tax onto senate
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
• William Kelly was fed secretary
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Farmer bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive
• Queen Mary having bottom scraped
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Child's stool great for use in garden
• Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines
• Eye drops off shelf
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Dealers will hear car talk at noon
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
• Never withhold herpes from loved one
• Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
• Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
• Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious
• If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
• War dims hope for peace
• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Child's death ruins couple's holiday
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
• Man is fatally slain
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

How do you catch a 'strange' mouse?

'Unique' up on him.

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING AFOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!


double meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.......Any part under a car's hood.
Male...........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.
>
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
>
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
>
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.
>
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5,
and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints.

It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a
"Utilities and Entertainment program". Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
disallow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR
to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)." You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause.

You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal
anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean
and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs.

Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Good Irish blarney! Good Irish blarney!
At the National Art Gallery, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

these are pretty good..here are some more from me..



Subject: Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where
my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say, "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image
I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert
the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken
Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and
jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, but almost drowning twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

I just got this one in email from a bud and it cracked me up so I just gotta post it here!

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.

She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, y ou need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her.
His note reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor ...
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

My wife and I took a Hansom-cab ride in NYC. During the trip through the park, the horse stopped dead in his tracks and refused to move. The driver just sat there and quietly said, "That's one.." The horse started moving again. A few minutes later, the horse stopped dead again and wouldn't respond. Again the driver spoke, "That's TWO.." The horse again started moving. Another few minutes passed and the horse stopped yet AGAIN...The driver said, That's THREE!" and stepped down and smacked the horse square in the jaw...The driver then got back in his seat and the ride continued without further incident from the horse.

Later, as we were driving back to the hotel, I took a wrong turn and got a little lost. My wife started yapping about asking for directions, etc..I pulled the car over, stopped and turned to her and said, "That's ONE..."

dragon that cracked me up!



TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004...according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket not your stub."

==================
Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

==================
Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


==================

Smart Ass Answer #2:


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas."

==================
AND NOW........FOR ................THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004........................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says. "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."