Hello everyone, this is my first post and I wish to greet everyone formally. Unfortunately I'm not typing anything HAPPY in this post and I apologize for it. Just that nobody I socialize with really understands my problems and I just needed a place to speak my thoughts openly without having to look at peoples confusing faces and wonder if I'm just making a fool of myself towards people I thought were my friends.
Once again I apologize for this post but I really do not have any other place to express my issues.
If you haven't already realized I am an Army Veteran with 14 yrs under my belt. I have served in Somalia, Kosovo, Afghanistan and of course Iraq. I was injured in Iraq when an ADA unit shot down one of the scuds flying overhead. I really thought nothing of it until I started having physical issues that would cause me severe pain throughout the day. Upon returning to the U.S. for convelescent leave I was driving to Walter Reed, MD for an MRI and some other minor tests when I was struck from behind while stopped in traffic from a 82 yr old lady going 91 mph in a 55 zone and she didnt even break. The impact was so hard that it slammed my car into the SUV in front of me and then I did two 360's onto oncoming traffic where I was ran over (while in the car) by a cement truck going 48 mph. Needless to say this not only further injured pre conditioned injuries but added several new ones. I suffered a fractured neck, broken jaw, 4 broken ribs (left side) collapsed left lung, fractured pelvis in two places, dislocated right shoulder, broken left leg, and scrambled my brain really good. I was knocked unconcious and woke up at the Univ of MD shock trauma while they were inserting a chest tube into my lung.
Everything seemed ok after I was "fixed" and reported back to my unit with the 101st Air Assault 4 months later where I continued to recover and was placed on a P3 profile. The military did thier tests and told me I was a liability to the Army and wasn't re-trainable because of my rank and MOS. So they MED Boarded me out and after all was said and done I was given a 60% rating overall. It wasn't until I was discharged from the service when I started suffering night tremors, cold sweats, cognitive memory loss, chronic headaches, restlessness, insomnia and depression. The psychiatrist at the VA summed it up pretty well by telling me that I suffer from Chronic PTSD which I have been dealing with now for 2 years. I have looked for help with it even though I have denied that I had it at all until I finally realized some of the changes I have forced on myself unknowingly. It seems that I am still mentally attached to the military while physically I am in the civilian world, if that makes sense at all. My memory has improved very little when it comes to doing everyday tasks or remembering something or other. Ask me to talk about my military experiences and I remember it all quite fondly. Ask me what I did last week and I have to think about it. I have detached myself entirely from socializing with my friends and family. I know they worry about me but I just don't seem to be interested in any fun activities or even going out (like to the store)anymore. No matter how hard I try to participate in normal activities, mentally I'm just not interested. My relationship of one year is going down hill pretty fast. My live in Girlfriend wants to do all these things that any normal person would want to do but I can't seem to accomodate those things. I tried to explain things to her but she doesn't understand at all what I'm suffering with. To add to the mental and physical problems, my only income is my disability check from the VA which doesn't even pay my mortgage so its just a matter of time before they foreclose on my house (5 months behind on the payments) repo my car and take everything from me. It just kills me to think how bright of a future I had with the Army, being financially secure, and feeling content with my life. Now I'm about to be homeless, have no car, lose my girlfriend, barely hanging on to my mind, and unemployable. Whats funny is the only person that is always there for me and stays forever loyal without any prejudice or reservations is my dog.
I have an impressive resume and many marketable skills, but when the employers who interview me find out I suffer from PTSD, Depression and I have social problems, they turn thier backs on me as if I'm some kind of disease.
I have seen many psychiatrists and they tell me the same crap everyone else tells me. OR they listen to me but they offer no real solution on how to fix it. I applied for Vocational Rehab and was approved but then was told they had to close my application temporarily because I had to many problems in my life and they would interfere with thier planning of my rehab ( whatever all that junk means). I just went through a C & P exam for my claim of unemployability but I know thta will take about a year at least before I hear anything back from the VA.
So I guess you can say I'm stuck between the proverbial "Rock and a Hard Place", only this time there is another rock above me ready to fall and nowhere for me to go to avoid it. ( If that makes sense).
Anyway, once again I apologize to everyone for this ranting of my problems and hope nobody minds it. I just have no other place to go to talk about all of this where I feel the person listening to me really understands me.
On that note I wish you all a good night, God bless, and good health.

Lost and Confused

ssgdavisc

Sure theres light at the end of the tunnel. Just gotta keep your eyes open to recognize it when it appears. Thats quite a series of events that you are dealing with and I really feel for you. One avenue I would recommend is joining the VFW post. You don't need to drown your sorrows in booze, but join for the comraderie that you are so obviously craving. Check it out and talk to the post commander.

As for the house and car getting repo'd. You really need to open up a dialog with your financial insitutions that are holding the notes. Ask them to help you make arrangements so that repo isn't part of the order of things. Lay it all out for them. If that doesn't help then you may consider bankruptcy as a final resort. This way your debts are considered and you can possibly keep the home and perhaps the car? I dunno how that works, but I have seen it happen to plenty of other folks way better off than your situation.

When applying for work during the interviews, you don't have to tell them about PTSD. They can't even ask you about those things. Depression can be treated and should be treated. Your Dr should working on that aspect with you. If he's not, you need to find out why.

You've been dealt a rough hand to play, so play it. Your a professional Soldier, so hold your head up and rely on the instincts the Army instilled in you. They are still there, you just have to find them again.

Are you able to run? You might want to try that to build up those good endorphins, an get some of those flowing again and you'll see a remarkable change in your daily outlook in life.

Stop by the church and see the pastor or father or elder. Have a chat with him or her. Perhaps they could offer some support and or guidence? Who knows, churches are supposed to excell in this area?

Hmmmm relationship problems huh? Geez not much I can really say thats gonna help in that area. You do however need to open up the lines of communication with her BEFORE she departs for good if you want to salvage your relationship. Dawg's are great to have around, but they don't hold a candle to a good woman.

Oh yeah, one last bit, stick around in here and join in, these are a bunch of great folks in here....for the most part.

I think Gunny gave you some good words.

Where you at? There's all kinds of veterans' networks and associations that may be able to help you out. My wife cared for a few disabled vets (quadriplegics) who also thought they were without help (and weren't able to go out and seek it). She was able to contact various medical, psychological, and philanthropic vet-friendly organizations who were able to donate all kinds of assistance to these guys. There's also may be a few vet-friendly employment assistance organizations in your area. Try to check those out.

Feel for ya man. Good luck.

Gunny and patoloco, I really appreciate those tips and thoughts you guys provided me. The DAV has been handling my case concerning the paperwork process with the VA. It's the lack of medical treatment that is killing me. The Ft Campbell VA Clinic has a 4 month waiting period and the Nashville VA has a 2 to 3 month waiting period. I tried to go through the many Veteran Organizations out there on the base for assistance in getting me medical treatment a little faster but havent been successful for some reason. I tried to go through civilian physicians and psychiatrists but can't afford them.
My military bearings have been keeping me under control over the past 2 years but now with the magnitude of problems I'm facing, my will to even bother with anything anymore is starting to break down regardless of how hard I try to keep going.
I have been communicating with the financial institutions concerning my financial problems but it goes in one ear and out the other with them. So whats the point of it ya know?
My GF can't seem to comprehend what I'm going through whenever I try to talk to her about whats happening. To be honest, she is becoming more of an obstacle in my way now.
I can walk but can't run.
Anyway, I'm hoping I can find the sense of comraderie on these forums that might keep me from acting out in a way that will either get me killed or in jail. That sounds funny but in reality it is one thing I'm starting to fear everytime I go to bed. It's almost like I'm waiting for that moment that seems to be inevitable of just losing it one day without warning. Maybe that is what is keeping me on the straight and narrow; knowing and accepting the fact that I do have serious problems.
Anyway, I guess it is what it is huh. My neighbor is a parapalgic from Iraq and seeing him like that pains me so much. We both went to Sniper school together.
All I'm looking for is an answer other than the same answer I have heard from 34 doctors and 3 psychiatrist. They can't seem to tell me anything I don't already know. I don't sleep much anymore either. I have moments where I stay awake for 3 to 4 days at a time because I hate waking up. In order to get out of bed in the morning I have to pull myself up with 550 cord tied to the end of my bed post, which I have had to do for 2 years now. When I do sleep I'm lucky to get more than 3 hours of at any given time because of the nightmares that have gotten prgressibely worse. It's no longer about Afghanistan or Iraq but the Car accident as well, all meshed into one abstract dream, and when I wake up I cant remember the details of the dream but I can feel the fear of having them.
It's so much easier it seems to be able to talk about these things through a computer. I have never talked about any of this in detail with anyone before other than my doctors and psychiatrists. It really is a good feeling to just let it out without feeling pressure by someone. Thanks again for guys for responding to my post. I honestly did not think it would have been read.

And although I can come up with a dozen jokes about MARINES, and I have, in the end we are all brothers for life.

Sometimes just talking about it makes it better. Some of the guys my wife cared for were able to move a bit (3-4 inches with one hand). "Punching" pillows seemed to get a little of that frustration out. My wife (to get hers out- takes some patience sometimes to deal with these guys) learned how to work hers out on a timing bag and punching bag (Me? I'm an even keel kinda guy, nothing ever pisses me off).

You have TriCare or another medical plan? My wife was able to get some of her retirees to a psychologist through the TriCare system. Took many badgering (and sometimes downright threatening) phone calls, but she eventually got referrals and appointments with civilian psychologists.

The DAV also offers money/resources to retrain disabled vets....I remember reading about this when I retired, but I'm not disabled so didn't pay much attention. But, one of our neighbors (lost a leg) was able to get training in watch repair. Perfect for him. I know it might be a little thick in the game to start thinking about a new career, but maybe it could help you down the line.

The VFW is dedicated to helping vets and the question is asked at each meeting, “Do you know any vets in need?” You will find people who have been through worse and who will talk to you. Contact the District Commander if you are looking for a more people oriented post.

This is the link and will help you find the nearest post: http://www.vfw.org/

Just remember, nearly everyone is just 'one shot of tequila' away from losing it.

SSGDavisc

There is always light at the end of the tunnel brother. I have PTSD and several severe symtoms that go along with it .. I am being treated by the VA with medications and therapy for it. No, my world is far from perfect .. in pain most of the time physically and mentally ... but life goes on and so do I. One must pull their head out of their arse ... and see the light that is glowing in front of you right now. Life for one, you survived and were fortunate enough to return from several war zone campaines, and expecially don't take to heart what your shrinks tell you ... they have told me numerous bull for years now until I am at the point that I think I may not have as much wrong upstairs as some of those shrinks ... true story. The booze ... your choice .. you are over 21 and old enough to make decisions for yourself ... but drinking isn't going to make bad memories go away ... facing your fears headon is a start in the right direction for help. No, your family and friends are not going to have any idea what you have experienced .. so that is why if you are really seeking help here .. you need to take the first steps for cure. It is no guaranty whatever you try is going to work .. but at least give your family and friends the benefit of being able to talk with you .. they love you friend .. you owe that much to them. I personally am not a shrink, a solution to any problems, I just dive into every day with a blessing ... I woke up, I'm alive and anything else on top of that is a plus. So figure. You are living in two worlds right now .. and that is expected .. basically I do alot of that too ... but try to socialize with my loved ones knowing they haven't a clue .. a sacrifice I make for them and at times a pain to me when I hear stupid stuff .. but learning to tolerate that the best I can. I spend alot of time on the puter alone ..while my wife stays in the other room watching her TV or whatever ... fortunately she has learned the hard way about me and my PTSD symptoms ... no, I'm sure it doesn't make her happy feeling like she lives in our house alone ... but I do try to communicate as often as I can spending some time now and then. Anyway, not sure if this has helped any or not, hopefully something will turn out good for you. Just keep your eyes focused on how fortunate you really are. Jim

quote:

Originally posted by thegunny:
ssgdavisc

Sure theres light at the end of the tunnel. Just gotta keep your eyes open to recognize it when it appears. Thats quite a series of events that you are dealing with and I really feel for you. One avenue I would recommend is joining the VFW post. You don't need to drown your sorrows in booze, but join for the comraderie that you are so obviously craving. Check it out and talk to the post commander.

As for the house and car getting repo'd. You really need to open up a dialog with your financial insitutions that are holding the notes. Ask them to help you make arrangements so that repo isn't part of the order of things. Lay it all out for them. If that doesn't help then you may consider bankruptcy as a final resort. This way your debts are considered and you can possibly keep the home and perhaps the car? I dunno how that works, but I have seen it happen to plenty of other folks way better off than your situation.

When applying for work during the interviews, you don't have to tell them about PTSD. They can't even ask you about those things. Depression can be treated and should be treated. Your Dr should working on that aspect with you. If he's not, you need to find out why.

You've been dealt a rough hand to play, so play it. Your a professional Soldier, so hold your head up and rely on the instincts the Army instilled in you. They are still there, you just have to find them again.

Are you able to run? You might want to try that to build up those good endorphins, an get some of those flowing again and you'll see a remarkable change in your daily outlook in life.

Stop by the church and see the pastor or father or elder. Have a chat with him or her. Perhaps they could offer some support and or guidence? Who knows, churches are supposed to excell in this area?

Hmmmm relationship problems huh? Geez not much I can really say thats gonna help in that area. You do however need to open up the lines of communication with her BEFORE she departs for good if you want to salvage your relationship. Dawg's are great to have around, but they don't hold a candle to a good woman.

Oh yeah, one last bit, stick around in here and join in, these are a bunch of great folks in here....for the most part.

Thank you everyone for replying to my post. I have read everyone of your responses three times over. It is a difficult situation to deal with and hearing from all of you has made me realize how bottled up I really have been.
Patoloco, your right about talking about the problems. It did make me feel a little more comfortable than what I normally feel.
Harry, I have contacted the VFW concerning my situation, as well as the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, DAV, AMVET, American Legion, local Churches and family concerning some kind of financial relief no matter how big or how small it may be. But none of those organizations were willing to assist in that manner. Of course these are only with the local chapters.

thegunny, for what it is worth your saying of "Just one shot of tequila away from losing it" makes me laugh every time i think about it. I say that now whenever I start to feel depressed and it kind of brightens my mood.

Jimspolice, Your words have held alot of meaning for me since you seem to have gone through exactly what I'm going through now. Those words of encouragement paid off. I will start looking at life and be thankful for waking up everyday to see where that gets me.
If you guys can come to terms with it then i can to. I'll just adjust myself accordingly one day at a time.