This is my 1st post so it will be short because I am worried that it may have no concern from anyone. PTSD...YES, I have it and I am FRICKIN TIRED OF DEALING WITH IT! Mostly, my wife is tired of it. I am scared I will lose her and my 2 daughters because of my issues..I call them my demons. I can be sittin in my chair watching TV and out of no wear I will feel my heart racing and my ass clinched tight like I was on a mission outside the wire again. Everything around me seems to get closer and closer and I dont know why. I dont know what trigger's it... I get scared when it happens when my kids are around because I can get very angry and start yelling then crying about it. My guilt is the worst. I recieved an award when I was in Afghanistan, I was the only E5 in the WHOLE Transportation Unit that recieved a Bronze Star. And to this day I dont know why? My guys I was in charged of didnt get one or anything even close to the prestige... why me? I am rambling on again as I always do... I keep a straight thought in my mind before I find a point. I am lost... my mind is gone and all I want to do is provide for my family. I dont care wether I live or Die as long as they are taken care of. Is that a bad thing? I am sure it is. If I say it to a VA Dr he would probably make me stay in the hospital for tests. RAMBLEING AGAIN....HELP

I have much to say but not much to type. I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words for I can not keep a complete thought at most times. My thought process is speeding and has many twists and curves and my attention span seems to be blocked or stopped completely at the whim of another thought. I cant seem to control my thoughts or keep one in focus. I try so hard to not ramble on when I am speaking to someone, but I can tell I lost my point of the conversation when I start to repeat my words or start to mumble my words. It is really embarrassing and most of all very frustrating. I also have very much trouble in keeping my memory in tact. I remember things that have no meaning and forget the ones that do. I do not mean to be this way and I cant seem to accept the fact that I am slowly losing my mind. Especially when I can not have a simple conversation with my wife or child without getting upset and yelling at them because they are not keeping up with my thoughts or I have no idea what they are talking about. I feel dumber every day because of it. I miss my old self, but I wouldn’t trade my experiences that I have to had sacrifice my mind as much as I have. I believe my mind is faster than it has ever been, but it is it’s own being when it comes to control. I can not control my thoughts, my visions nor my dreams. I have been told several times, from my wife, that when I start thinking about being back ‘OVER THERE’, I can control it because its all in my head. And I need to accept the fact that I am HOME now and I can not go back. BUT I cant stop feeling that I should be ‘OVER THERE’ with my unit and my friends in witch whom I would gladly kill for.

Hacksaw

Bud, you are not alone in this. What you are experiencing is very real and needs attention. Do yourself and your family a big favor and do see a doc at the VA. Get those tests. Get answers and get the help you desperately need. You earned this many times over.

Serving your country should not equate to endless suffering and mental anguish.

I'm certain more of our respected forum member will chime in and offer thier support and advice. Take it to heart and act on what you can.

Stick around and keep posting in here.

Hacksaw, as the gunny said you need to see and talk to some one that is trained to deal with PTSD, altho we are here if you need us most if not all are not trained to deal with this, with the exception of Dave Barker I would say he is the best one that you could talk to in here, look through here and you will find his e-mail, start there or go to your local VA clinic you do need help and you can not go it alone. Good luck Brother. PM me if you need to talk to some one.

I wrote this letter to a friend and now I feel like shit. She has always been there for me... I am asking you guys to read it and tell me if I was rude or anything?

Its been a ruff time, had another Spinal Injection with hopes of helping with my nerve pain. But as always, its ended with dissapointment and the pain came back. I am sorry for not calling or not coming to church, dont think I have given up on myself... i just feel guilty if I keep coming to you guys or church looking for ancwers and help. My guilt is whats stopping me and my pride isnt helping much either.

Hacksaw I don't think your rude I think you need help, I earlier recommended you go thru the PTSD forum and get Dave Barkers email he is the resident expert on this think, but that said we are here for you if you need us. PM me when you need to talk.

Give us some feedback hacksaw when you can.